BAD FRIDAY

The trouble is I was one of the crowd.

I’d gone with my friends, just to get a piece of the action and have a bit of fun, but I’m not laughing now.

I didn’t really care who lived or died, I didn’t think it mattered. To be truthful I just didn’t think. So when the people all around me started shouting “crucify him, crucify him” I joined in with everyone else. And I cheered loudly when Pilate finally relented and let us have our way.

I think if I’d left then I’d have been okay, but I got separated from my friends and caught up in the crowd following the cross. Do you know I hadn’t even properly seen his face, this man I’d so glibly condemned to death, not even seen his face.

When they nailed him to the cross I pushed to the front of the crowd to get a better view. It wasn’t until I looked into his eyes that I realised the enormity of what I’d done. There was such agony there, such suffering, but also love stronger than I’d ever known. No-one had ever looked at me with such love before.

I’ve been here for hours. Most of the crowd have drifted away - although I didn’t notice them go. I’ve not been able to take my eyes from him. It’s gone dark now. I don’t understand why, it’s much too early, but it mirrors my feelings exactly. I keep sitting here watching him getting weaker and weaker. Half of me wants his agony to soon be over yet I’m afraid to face the guilt that his death will release in me. 

How can I ever compensate? I can’t even reach him to comfort him. All I can do, (and yes I will do it, there’s a bowl nearby,) is gently bathe his poor bruised and wounded feet and beg him to forgive me.

I wish you could have heard what he just said, before I’d even uttered a word. “Father forgive her, she didn’t understand what she was doing”. As he spoke I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I know now that I’m forgiven so surely I can in time forgive myself. 

I can turn away from him towards a new beginning and I can face home again. I’d better go quickly. I’ve never known it like this before. The whole earth’s shaking and rocks are splitting in two. I daren’t even stop to say goodbye.